Friday, November 10, 2006
It was then that I admitted to the frailty of my secrets; in the grey of those provincial clouds, hazed and tracking as lazily as my soul. Despite the hypocrisy of a kickout, and a never-was, we shed bits and pieces of our humanity; pure, transparent and weak, slipping through that sharp gaze and curve of one's cheeks..as though softening all expression of our Truths! Yes, I'm a crybaby; yes, I'm ridiculously sentimental; and, yes, I miss you like I miss my linked STAND UP SPEAK UP ballers that no longer hang by my left wrist (sigh, dang detachment gift activity :-<)
I supposed the old wooden chairs would forever hold familiarity, and moments you couldn't barter for a whisper in the window's light; hidden issues, spin the bottle, rhetorical questions, and the unfulfilled Bethany dare. Geez, the stories we could've told; of the fake yellow roses, the last cubicle bed, and the pen light (cue creepy dramatic music)
My mind raced at thoughts of infinities I'd caught and released, for sanity's sake (because it's always for sanity's sake)..but I smiled, for old time's sake. And I smiled, knowing my logic uncuffed my skin and led me back to possibility..and beginnings, and someplace safe. Someplace without the hurt I'd sunken into. I smiled, because I distinctly remember you making it sound like you'd notice..and maybe because I need to see you soon. Because I need to know.
Oh, and although nobody can dictate who sees what, not even the most manipulative (that I should know); it was nice to know that you (and you, and always you, and *gasp* even you) saw past, regardless. How many Homes have come and gone? Without realizing, I myself had been found..so surprisingly, severely, overshadowed by the selectiveness of my stupidity! (Oi, alliteration..or something a little bit like it) In immeasurable ways, a finite being such as myself had been saved, without reason for deserving so..or, rather, with Reason much too much for that said frailty to comprehend.
The frailty I saw, for the last time, in that makeshift chapel. The one that brought me to my knees so easily; gasping and whispering "I'm sorry"s to the wind. Or to You, perhaps. You, whom I could not even bare to look at. You, whom I have dissapointed (among so many others) You, who I do not deserve..who makes everything better with no reason other than Reason. I wondered when all this change had transpired, and when I embraced the idea of isolation. The unanswerable broke down the minute I had choked down enough tears (and been held and fixed by enough *hugs* and tissue packs) to breathe and realize that we'd all made ourselves feel more alone than we'd really ever been. We're a bunch of loners..who just (thankfully) happened to find each other, now.
I wuv you, II-1. Assumption Antipolo with you guys..was Home :-)
I supposed the old wooden chairs would forever hold familiarity, and moments you couldn't barter for a whisper in the window's light; hidden issues, spin the bottle, rhetorical questions, and the unfulfilled Bethany dare. Geez, the stories we could've told; of the fake yellow roses, the last cubicle bed, and the pen light (cue creepy dramatic music)
My mind raced at thoughts of infinities I'd caught and released, for sanity's sake (because it's always for sanity's sake)..but I smiled, for old time's sake. And I smiled, knowing my logic uncuffed my skin and led me back to possibility..and beginnings, and someplace safe. Someplace without the hurt I'd sunken into. I smiled, because I distinctly remember you making it sound like you'd notice..and maybe because I need to see you soon. Because I need to know.
Oh, and although nobody can dictate who sees what, not even the most manipulative (that I should know); it was nice to know that you (and you, and always you, and *gasp* even you) saw past, regardless. How many Homes have come and gone? Without realizing, I myself had been found..so surprisingly, severely, overshadowed by the selectiveness of my stupidity! (Oi, alliteration..or something a little bit like it) In immeasurable ways, a finite being such as myself had been saved, without reason for deserving so..or, rather, with Reason much too much for that said frailty to comprehend.
The frailty I saw, for the last time, in that makeshift chapel. The one that brought me to my knees so easily; gasping and whispering "I'm sorry"s to the wind. Or to You, perhaps. You, whom I could not even bare to look at. You, whom I have dissapointed (among so many others) You, who I do not deserve..who makes everything better with no reason other than Reason. I wondered when all this change had transpired, and when I embraced the idea of isolation. The unanswerable broke down the minute I had choked down enough tears (and been held and fixed by enough *hugs* and tissue packs) to breathe and realize that we'd all made ourselves feel more alone than we'd really ever been. We're a bunch of loners..who just (thankfully) happened to find each other, now.
I wuv you, II-1. Assumption Antipolo with you guys..was Home :-)
